2012 Darwin Awards

[Christopher O'Brien]

[I didn't research all these stories to cover my ass in the event people want to dog me for posting potentially made-up events, but knowing the level of stupidity that exists out there in "Joe-Six-Pack"--land, it wouldn't surprise m,e in the least if all of the following stories are (sadly) true. --chris]

The Darwin Awards are for people who have effectively removed themselves from the human gene-pool. And this years nominees are...

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:

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An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.​

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Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:​

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James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."​

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Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:​

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Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.​

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Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:​

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Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.​

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Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:​

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Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.​

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Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:​

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A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.​

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Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:​

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A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.​

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Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:​

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Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.​

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The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .​

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After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.​

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Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis​

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"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.​

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Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?​

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Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.​

 

[Randall]

I read someplace that if we figured out how to stop aging, the statistics on accidental death suggest that the maximum lifespan would still only be around 300 years.

 

[ProphetofOccam]

Most of these have been making the internet rounds, in the form of e-mails that aunts and uncles forward, since '96 (especially 3 through 6, some of which are on snopes). Some of them I've never heard, but the circumstances seem impossible to discern (which is also true of #3).

I like that people believe that inmates have televisions in their cells.

It seems like this is someone's comedic list. i'd even guess that the recycling of the more famous internet e-mail hoaxes was intentional.

 

[Muadib]

Most of these have been making the internet rounds, in the form of e-mails that aunts and uncles forward, since '96 (especially 3 through 6, some of which are on snopes). Some of them I've never heard, but the circumstances seem impossible to discern (which is also true of #3).

I like that people believe that inmates have televisions in their cells.

It seems like this is someone's comedic list. i'd even guess that the recycling of the more famous internet e-mail hoaxes was intentional.

Some actually do, it depends on the prison you go to and your classification level but a lot of prisons do allow televisions in the cells. You have to pay for them yourself of course, the state doesn't provide them. It's mostly used as an incentive for good behavior, if you screw up your TV is the first thing to go.

 

[ProphetofOccam]

Deathrow inmates have televisions? I'll have to look into that a little more. I think typically the types of prisons that allow for that kind of thing have the word "meadows" or "woods" in the name somewhere. They probably don't have metal toilets.

 

[Muadib]

Deathrow inmates have televisions? I'll have to look into that a little more. I think typically the types of prisons that allow for that kind of thing have the word "meadows" or "woods" in the name somewhere. They probably don't have metal toilets.

Not all, but many prisons allow inmates with a certain classification level the privilege of having a television in their cells, death row or not. Usually, they are made of clear plastic (to prevent stashing contraband in them) and have to be special ordered through the prison by yourself or a family member. It's not just a cushy type prison thing, plenty of hardcore state prisons allow TV's, provided you meet certain classification requirements, it's a great way to keep the inmates occupied while also having a bit of leverage to keep them in line with. They also almost all have metal toilets, which is usually a one piece deal connected to the sink. This way the inmates can't break them and their simple, one piece construction also hinders their ability to hide things in them. I've literally never seen a prison or jail cell that didn't have a metal toilet.

 

[ProphetofOccam]

I'm having trouble finding information about this. Can you link me to something explaining this?

All I come up with are minimum security prison family member forums and other unhelpful material.

 

[Muadib]

This is from the Florida Department of Corrections Death Row Fact Sheet:

Inmates may receive mail every day except holidays and weekends. They may have snacks, radios and 13" televisions in their cells. Beginning October 1, 2011, inmates were prohibited from smoking cigarettes and using any form of tobacco in prison, including on death row. They do not have cable television or air-conditioning and they are not allowed to be with each other in a common room. They can watch church services on closed circuit television. While on Death Watch, inmates may have radios and televisions positioned outside their cell bars.

You can find the page here: Death Row Fact Sheet - Florida Department of Corrections


If you think that's cushy, you should see some European prisons. They actually have cells that look like bedrooms with your own individual shower...

 

[Muadib]

As far as the toilets go, this is what your typical prison/jail cell toilet looks like:

A metal toilet is pretty much a necessity, you need something that a prisoner can't break and use as a weapon which rules out your typical household toilet, also this way they can't manipulate the mechanism to flood the cell like you would be able to with a regular toilet, though they can still flood out their cell if they toss enough paper and other stuff into this.

 

[Muadib]

I'm having trouble finding information about this. Can you link me to something explaining this?

All I come up with are minimum security prison family member forums and other unhelpful material.

I can't find anything specific to whether or not South Carolina permits their death row inmates to have televisions but from what I've read the only state in the country that specifically forbids it is Texas. You can't even have a radio in your cell there unless you work towards it with good behavior.

As far as the story being true, I kind of doubt it, as it would take an incredibly stupid individual to mess around with electrical wires while sitting on a metal toilet, but it's definitely not impossible. I realize that the stupidity is the whole point of the Darwin awards but I still find it hard to believe.

 

[ProphetofOccam]

With the metal toilet thing, I just meant I wasn't sure that minimum security places have those, as they tend t be set up more like dormatories and are often refashioned from non-prison facilities. I don't know if they do or they don't.

As for the TVs in the room, it seems like they're allowed to have it for the church services they can't attend, but I still wouldn't have thought that of any state, let alone Florida, as I've read to the contrary. I guess what I read a few years ago was for our state, which I've not been able to find anything about, either.

Learn something new everyday.

 

[ProphetofOccam]

Oh, in response to the cushy thing, no. I have read a number of articles, some about Ohio prisons, that dispel the myth of the resort prison. Minimum security prisons aren't as menacing, but neither are the inmates.

I think it's interesting that they're allowed to have TV's for limited use in some states, though. I don't have a problem with it. I just think it's strange.

 

[Muadib]

With the metal toilet thing, I just meant I wasn't sure that minimum security places have those, as they tend t be set up more like dormatories and are often refashioned from non-prison facilities. I don't know if they do or they don't.

As for the TVs in the room, it seems like they're allowed to have it for the church services they can't attend, but I still wouldn't have thought that of any state, let alone Florida, as I've read to the contrary. I guess what I read a few years ago was for our state, which I've not been able to find anything about, either.

Learn something new everyday.

I see what you're saying but a minimum security facility wouldn't house death row inmates if you're referring to the story. I'm pretty sure they probably would have metal toilets because even in minimum security they go a long way to ensure that inmates can't fashion weapons out of things in the environment.

As far as Ohio goes, I don't know about our prisons and whether or not they have TV in the cells, although I think I saw one on Lockup on that did, but I'm not sure. I know from personal experience when I was younger that Lake County and Cuyahoga County jails don't have them in the cells.

Yeah Florida was a surprise to me as well as it's usually the southern states that are tougher on things like inmate privileges. Like you said, learn something new everyday.

 

[Muadib]

Oh, in response to the cushy thing, no. I have read a number of articles, some about Ohio prisons, that dispel the myth of the resort prison. Minimum security prisons aren't as menacing, but neither are the inmates.

I think it's interesting that they're allowed to have TV's for limited use in some states, though. I don't have a problem with it. I just think it's strange.

I have to agree that it's strange, it could also be dangerous. Like what if your cell mate decides to pick up your 13" TV and beat you to death with it? Lol. Still, it's probably better that they watch church services or local news or whatever instead of sitting around plotting on how to break the rules or harm staff when they're locked up. It probably does discourage your typical low classification level offender from causing trouble, I know I'd want a damn TV if I was locked up...

 

[ProphetofOccam]

I see what you're saying but a minimum security facility wouldn't house death row inmates if you're referring to the story. I'm pretty sure they probably would have metal toilets because even in minimum security they go a long way to ensure that inmates can't fashion weapons out of things in the environment

Oh, I know. It was connected to what i said about the TVs in the cells being something you might find in a prison with "meadows" in the name.

It's interesting you say that about minimum security prisons. I just read this while looking for what we were talking about:

eres.lndproxy.org/edoc/SOC367McShane-06.pdf

The last paragraph of the section called "The Country Club Look." It doesn't sound like they put very much time or money into those places, at all.

There's one, or something like one, across from Grafton, which is a state prison. The guys there, when outside, aren't fenced in. They play basketball, smoke, and stand around, staring at the surrounding farmland. It never even looks like anyone's out there with them. But as that book says, quoting something else, wardens of these facilities don't appear to think it's a huge deal if one of these guys walks off.

 

[Muadib]

Oh, I know. It was connected to what i said about the TVs in the cells being something you might find in a prison with "meadows" in the name.

It's interesting you say that about minimum security prisons. I just read this while looking for what we were talking about:

eres.lndproxy.org/edoc/SOC367McShane-06.pdf

The last paragraph of the section called "The Country Club Look." It doesn't sound like they put very much time or money into those places, at all.

There's one, or something like one, across from Grafton, which is a state prison. The guys there, when outside, aren't fenced in. They play basketball, smoke, and stand around, staring at the surrounding farmland. It never even looks like anyone's out there with them. But as that book says, quoting something else, wardens of these facilities don't appear to think it's a huge deal if one of these guys walks off.

If that's the case it's probably a voluntary unit, like a drug rehab while incarcerated type deal or what they call a prison boot camp for non violent inmates. I'll have to read that article but it sounds kind of strange to me that they wouldn't take the same precautions in a minimum security prison that they do in a county jail, but if it's specifically for non violent type offenders then I can see how they could get away with it. I have heard of programs that offer a more open environment, but I can't imagine the warden of any actual prison or jail facility being OK with someone wandering off, but I could definitely be wrong about that. When it comes to the department of corrections or the legal system in general, I'm rarely surprised by indifference or incompetence.

 

[ProphetofOccam]

They're just arguing that, with those types of inmates, the expense involved in actively caring that they wander off is not justified, given the tiny amount of threat they pose against society. It also said that a large number of wardens in these facilities think you could release a good number of the inmates there on any given day without much risk to society.

These are the minimum security deals we're talking about.

(Forgive my huge number of typos and edited corrections. When i type these things, I'm usually just taking like ten second breaks from staring at Illustrator or Cinema 4D or whatever)

 

[Muadib]

They're just arguing that, with those types of inmates, the expense involved in actively caring that they wander off is not justified, given the tiny amount of threat they pose against society. It also said that a large number of wardens in these facilities think you could release a good number of the inmates there on any given day without much risk to society.

These are the minimum security deals we're talking about.

(Forgive my huge number of typos and edited corrections. When i type these things, I'm usually just taking like ten second breaks from staring at Illustrator or Cinema 4D or whatever)

It makes sense but then again, it doesn't. Simply because wandering off doesn't mean that your crime and the time you have to serve is forgotten, so you have to add in the cost of a bench warrant, officers to round them up, the new trial that they're going to have with added charges, the cost of housing them in a county jail facility if they can't afford bail, then probation or a longer sentence in a more secure jail or prison facility. I suppose that they would end up passing a lot of that cost on to the offender, but not all of it. So I don't know if the minimal amount of guards and proper detainment facilities would necessarily cost less, but again I'm not a public official or involved in criminal justice so I could be way off. I'd agree that the risk to society as a whole is quite low for the most part, but you never do know for sure, especially when you consider that they're going to have to be re apprehended at some point if they don't turn themselves in, which some probably do.

 

[mike]

Port Phillip Prison
Mix of remand and sentenced, mainstream, protection and specialist accommodation for high, maximum and medium security prisoners.

• Address: PO Box 376, LAVERTON VIC 3028
• Telephone: (03) 9296 2200 Fax: (03) 9296 2218
• Security Rating: Maximum
• Capacity: 710 Prisoners
• History: Port Phillip Prison was the third of the privately operated prisons to open in Victoria. It received its first prisoners on 10 September 1997
• Accommodation: There are 13 accommodation units. Each cell has a shower, hand basin, toilet, desk, chair,

• television

• , kettle, storage shelves, intercom and bed. Each accommodation unit has its own 'kitchen-servery', tea room, laundry, day room, recreation area and outside courtyard. All units are centrally heated and every cell has ventilation and a large window. In addition, the prison operates a 20 bed inpatient hospital unit.

Toilet in another prison

 

[Konrad Hartmann]

I used to work with a woman who told her husband in no uncertain terms to leave his TV behind when he was released from prison. Apparently, you are allowed to keep them, but I guess the clear plastic housing would have brought too much of a state pen look to the home decor. I saw one at a local flea market the other week.