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Top 5 Romantic Getaways for Cryptozoologists

Free episodes:

Joe Roderick

Paranormal Novice
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5. Louisiana, Missouri(Home of, "Momo" the bipedal humanoid)
Momo was first sited in 1971 when local philosophers Joan Mills and Mary Ryan were down by the river and thought they'd seen a "7 foot dirty rogue Indian," but given the town's 0.2% Native American population, this was highly unlikely they thought. They sought the help of some guy from the zoo, and the guy had no explanation.
This clean, river town just south of historic Hannibal, Missouri is also home of the Champ Clark Bridge, which is named after unknown former U.S. Speaker of the House, Champ Clark, who was not from Louisiana, Missouri. It's said that the bridge can be used to enter as well as leave the town. Lovers looking for a place to stay should try The Village of the Blue Rose. Between the views of the clean Mississippi river and the never-ending peach cobbler a la mode, it should keep your lover full and docile. This culturally diverse community boasts an ample amount of dining options as well. Visit the China House Buffet, former Mayor Shaun Crouse says is, "...not bad for being an old McDonalds." If you like getting sauced and looking at eagles, then look no further than the Eagle's Nest Winery and treat your lover to a bottle of Mississippi Merlot. With all of the energy and excitement happening in"LOMO" (Louisiana, MO), you and your lover just might decide to make a little MOMO monster of your own, and with a bridge like Champ Clark Bridge, who could blame you!
"Louisiana, Missouri: Go for the Beast, stay for the Beauty."
-Mark Twain, 1902
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4. Loveland, Ohio(Home of The Loveland Frogman)
The story of the Frogman began in May of 1955, on a lonely stretch of road that runs along the Miami River in Clermont County, just on the outskirts of Loveland, Ohio. At approximately 3:30 a.m., an un-named business man claimed to have witnessed three, bipedal, quasi-reptilian entities congregating by the side of the road. The man pulled his car to the curb to see if he could be of any help to the bipedal, quasi-reptilian entities but they just stood their in silence for what seemed to be 3 minutes before they hopped away. The Frogman wasn't thought of for over 30 years, until one dark and stormy night in Mid-December, some Police Officer was driving and thought he saw a cat lying in the road, so he pulled over to see if he could shoot it. The creature sprung up on two legs, and began running. The officer then engaged in a foot pursuit with the bi-pedal, quasi-reptilian entity. At one point, the creature stopped and turned towards the officer, and raised what he thought was a large dimensional scepter over his head, like the one seen in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3. Fearing for his life, the officer aimed his pistol, and fired a shot, but the bi-pedal, quasi-reptilian entity got away just in time.
Loveland, Ohio, established in 1871, was once known as a resort town for the wealthy, earning it's nickname "Little Switzerland of the Miami River Valley". A strong built railroad town, with weak levees, Loveland has seen it's share of floods. This is just what the Doctor ordered for the couple who's love life has hit a dry spell. When you need a place to lay your head, or let your Frogman footprint castings dry, try Edwards house. Edward offers free wifi, peanut M & M's and hot tea all day long. Traveling loafer sales man, Larry Baker says, "Nice accommodations, friendly people. Just be aware of the trains passing and blowing their horns."
When your bedroom activities stir up an appetite, tackle your hunger at Tender Town Chicken. Between Tender Towns Double Down Towne Chicken meal and their buttery, fluttery funnel cake fries, there's no need to swipe left on this eatery. For the couple that's looking to be a freak in the streets, Loveland boasts two beautiful rollerskating rinks. The historic Loveland Castle overlooking the Miami River Valley is home to the towns foremost romantic rollerskating rink, and if you leave your skate behind, prince charming just might find you, and roll you off your feet. So, while you might not find The Frogman visiting Loveland, you might just find love.
"By a one year subscription to our magazine, and we'll give you a free plot of land in Loveland, Ohio."
-Cincinnati Enquirer, 1921

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3. Danville, Illinois (Home of The Thunderbird)
The Thunderbird, long thought to be extinct has found a home in beautiful Danville, Illinois. The first reported sightings of the Thunderbird date back to the 1800's. In 1868, a school teacher wrote in his journal, "a sad tragedy occurred at my school a few days ago...". He was of course referring to when the Government decided to stop paying teachers like Doctors, but then went on to recount a horrendous tale of how a giant bird picked up one of his students, "...the children screamed and it frightened the bird enough to drop the boy, but his talons had been buried in him so deeply, and the fall was so great, that he was killed.”
Stories of the Thunderbird wouldn't resurface for another 80 years, when the Thunderbird was spotted in Alton, Illinois. April 4th, 1948, Army Colonel Walter F. Siegmund revealed that he had seen a gigantic bird in the sky above Alton, "It was an enormous, incredible thing with a body that looked like a naval torpedo. It was flying at about 500 feet and cast a shadow the same size as a Piper Cub at that height."
It would take another 30 years for the news of the Thunderbird to reach the residents of Danville, Illinois, when their own Thunderbird swooped into someones backyard birthday party on the evening of July 25th, 1977. Ruth and Jake Lowe of Danville were showing off their homes $400 new edition when they heard screams coming from their 10 year old's unsupervised birthday party. When the responsible adults rounded the corner of their homes $400 new edition, they saw their son Marlon being dropped 3-4 feet out of the sky from the grasps of a giant bird. Lucky for little Marlon, it was leg day, and the Thunderbird couldn't hold on to his little cake filled midwestern body.
Danville, Illinois isn't just the nesting place for the Thunderbird, it was also the nesting place of Hazel and Loren Van Dyke, parents of the famed Dick and Jerry Van Dyke as well as the hometown of the two people that made Gene Hackman. If visiting the graves of the two people that made Gene Hackman or Dick Van Dykes boyhood home isn't your cup of tea, take a trip over the ottoman to the Threads of Time Sewing Retreat Center."Where you can actually stay and rent a room, with the internet and a TV! A great place to meet quilters from around the country! They invited my husband in for cookies while I quilted!"-Cori of Minnesota, who's husband couldn't be found for questioning.
When finished quilting your lovers body bag, gobble up some grub at Pete's Brass Rail and Car Wash. Hyo Bernstein (Bernstain) says, "I just came here this morning to get a car wash for my dirty little Lexus. She had dead bugs all over her after driving on Highway 5". If you're looking to hang around beautiful people, Pete's Brass Rail and Car Wash sounds like the spot according to Betty Harris, "the bartenders can get a bit "assy" but my date was hot, so it was all good."
Lovers looking to make a quantum leap into the past should visit Danville in the late Spring when they have their annual Viking reenactments. Couples can be treated to live demonstrations of calligraphy and textiles as well as engage in lively discussions about the religions of the Viking, and how their God is so hilarious and far-fetched as opposed to our God, the real God, that's actually really real and does real stuff. From the Sewing resort to the Viking textile reenactments, if your love life is in need of a stitch, Danville, Illinois and it's romantic bird monster may be the hem job for you.
"He was in Coach with me."
-Craig T. Nelson, 2012
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2. Cranbury, New Jersey (Home of the Jersey Devil)
The Jersey Devil, originally known as the "Leeds Devil" was born in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey on a dark and stormy night to Deborah Leeds. Leeds said she knew she was giving birth to a devil spawn, because she said she banged the Devil himself. A priest reluctantly tried to exorcise the demon for 100 years, at which point the priest died from too much exorcise. The Devil wasn't seen for another 15 years when Joseph Bonaparte, Napolean's cooler, taller, better looking older brother was hunting at his Bordentown Estate when he heard shrill screams followed by the sight of a flying devil. Bonaparte surrendered over and over but this had no effect on the animal and it flew off.
The peak of the Jersey Devil sightings came at the turn of the 20th century, when "Pineys" (People who's home origin is of the Pine Barrens) reported that the Devil attacked a trolley car and children were reporting Devil attacks on their way to school. A woman reported that it got so bad, a Devil perched itself outside of her husbands office and wouldn't let him or the secretary leave for hours after work and when he finally decided to make a break for his carriage-car, the Devil grabbed him and sucked on his neck a couple of times and got make-up on his collar. Real Government officials decided to close schools and banks to further investigate these claims, while the Philidelphia Zoo offered a $10,000 reward for the Devils poop.
If your love life has gone from the Rolling Stones to kidney stones, than it's time for a trip to Cranbury. Find out why Alexander Hamilton called Cranbury his headquarters during the revolutionary war at the historic Cranbury Museum. The museum, who's current exhibit displays the shops of Cranbury's past, is a detailed pictorial history of the people that failed in Cranbury, "The Devil is in the Retails". The activities of Cranbury don't stop at the museum, if you're lucky enough to be visiting in December, the Lions Club has a sausage and pancake breakfast that occurs the first Sunday in December, and the locals rave about the flapjacks. "I've never seen so many flapjacks in all my life. I just don't understand where all this batter comes from..."-Scott Feltes
If pancake talk has got your stomach flipping, take a stroll through the wilderness of Cranbury, where wild cranberries grow somewhere. If you're more of a traditionalist, and you prefer your food to be food, try the historic "Cranbury Inn". Customers call the Cranbury Inn, "A Gimmicky Golden Corral", "I would never call it a restaurant, I would call it untouchable".
If you've filled up on The Cranbury's never ending waffles, you and your awful waffle can head up to the boudoir, because it's also a bed and breakfast. Customers say, "...in the daylight, you get to really see it's age and dust". The Inn is also the entertainment district. One guy who lives in town owns a Microsoft Zune, and DJ's events from Weddings to Funerals. You may also want to role play as "Girl Friday", or"Sam Spade" as the Inn hosts a murder detective dinner theater once a month. Maybe you'll be the one to finally figure out who killed Kennedy!
When you're tired of the hell you're living in, take a trip to heaven and find the Devil in Cranbury, New Jersey. Not only does the past come to life, but it comes for your soul.
"I don't think they spelled Cranberry right."
-Rev. Joseph G. Symmes, 1857


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1. Churubusco, Indiana (Home of the Beast of Busco)
You might not be familiar with Churubusco, Indiana, and that's okay, neither is Indiana. Home of one of the least feared and talked about cryptozoological creatures, the "Beast of Busco". The 500lb snapping turtle made it's first appearance in 1898, coincidentally the same year submarines came in to use. A farmer, Oscar Fulk, spotted the 500lb snapping turtle in his 7 acre lake and told his neighbors about it. They decided to do nothing. It resurfaced 50 years later, when a Churubusco couple were looking for their clothes in the Lake and told police not to worry about why they were naked, but to look for a 500lb snapping turtle they had just seen. The police report about the giant turtle was picked up by the Fort Wayne, Indiana newspaper. Within days, thousands of people came to the lake in search of the "Beast of Busco". The Mayor of the town decided they should put an adorable turtle at the towns entrance to warn visitors of the beast, so tourists know to be careful when spending all of their money.
Feel like your love life is moving at a snails pace? Kick it up to a turtles pace with a visit to romantic Churubusco, Indiana. This bustling village of 1,796 mostly white people was named after a battle in Mexico, which should make the 18 Hispanic residents feel right at home. If you're having an affair in the Midwest, then you must visit during fair season. The smell of funnel cakes and vinegar fries permeate the air with sweet, palpable, sex pheromones. "Turtle Days" is Indiana's longest running fair, and it's been accident free for over 3 years. On the last day of the fair, residents flock to the turtle race, where locals are able to flaunt their years of speed training like peacock feathers to a turd. This race takes place on a 7 foot course and usually takes participants 3 days to complete. Turtle Days also offers fair goers a chance to get in the mood with "Oscar's Midnight Masquerade". Without a description offered on the website of what a turtle masquerade is, it's only best described as, "Eyes Wide Shut" with turtles. Closing out the main stage of Turtle Days, is "Swick and Jones", Churubusco's most critically acclaimed acoustic-duo/cover band, who will play your "private" event for $40 and a six-pack.
If you're clawing for something other then speed and funnel cakes, try a romantic dinner at the "Magic Wand". The overwhelming clown decor on the walls are sure to put a definitely real smile and not a horrified look on your lovers face. If you're lucky enough, you'll get a chance to share dinner with the "Three Rivers" clown guild, who meet at the "Magic Wand" once a week like villains from a Batman film. Sometimes, lovers get lost in the laughter, and forget all the prep work a romantic cryptozoological get-away requires. If this is the case and you need to prepare your swamp for some bedroom activities, visit the Serenity Spa, where they guarantee your man's turtle wont see a hare.
Churubusco, Indiana is the perfect place for cryptozoologist to break from their shell and experience the unknown that is "Turtletown, USA".
"White people? No, I haven't seen any yet, why?"

-Michikinikwa, 1757
 
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