Will-
You've hit essentially on the head. But it's more then that.
I had a very long conversation with Jeremy the other night and I told him that since watching Dorothy's film, and hearing on particular issue she had (with regard to the nature of the experience and her own mindset) I've had my own little epiphany about my own views.
I have previously stated my conviction, that this experience is "toxic", and I've even used the word "demonic" (whatever the hell that means). However Dorothy seemed to indicate that the experiences were not scary, until she feared or suspected it as negative. Then thats what she got.
So, that being said, what if I'm the toxic one. Not "them". I'm, a lot of the time, an angry, stressed out dude. Work, the world, raising a kid, dealing with finances...I mean these are issues everyone has to deal with...but I tend to commiserate over them. I let them effect me, and I just get angry, fearful and self defeated. Thats no way to be, and I haven't always been like that. I work my problems out, but not til I've bitched and pissed my head off.
In the end, it always works out. So what the point of the pissing. There isn't one.
I've said many times, "this world has made me pissed off all the time".
No, I have allowed it to.
So, in essence, I'm working on changing my mindset. Being positive, and dealing with life's issues in a better way. I have an extremely high pressure job, at times with nearly physically impossible demands for media and commercial art/design. But I always deliver on-time. I don't fail. Ever.
I don't because in some fashion I reach a point of critical mass, and let the stress drop away...and I work with accuracy and speed.
Thats the application I have to apply to life in general. With me so far?
So, apply that, and I'd adjust my attitude. Adjust my attitude, and perhaps the experience will reflect that, a more positive face.
Well that'd be good right? Yeah, still a bit scary, but if I get my mindset straight and become positive...I think I can deal...or at least set limits and see if the enigma abides.
For that reason alone, I've begun to take those deep breaths and get clarity. If I was the toxic one, then I don't wanna be. What would the experience be if the toxicity was gone.
Thats what I'm seriously contemplating in finding out. When I'm ready. As I told Frank Longo the other night, I cannot believe the way I've perceived and communicated this experience over the years, that I'm even considering the aspect of trying to re initiate any interaction with it.
But I am. Very seriously considering. And, as if the enigma knows, it's been presenting old aspects again recently-bright flashes outside from nowhere, a feeling of proximity, and 2 sightings in 2 days of VERY odd aerial phenomena. It's almost as if they are watching and waiting, but I don't know that for sure. Things are though, ramping up again. Not surprising, as I've jumped into this thing in the past few weeks really hard.
So, if I can get some insight from Dorothy, it'd be great. I think she has a lot of it to share.
But the idea of putting myself into a situation with "them" right now? Forget it. I don't think I could deal with it. Not yet. The idea that I'm contemplating getting involved with it again is enough for me to swallow at this point.
But, as I said to Jeremy, I'd much rather be in a positive situation with this then a fearful one. If this actually works, and the experience changes per my on perception of it...then I believe that tells us something valuable.
It's the first step I worry a bit about.